Living in a house with five other people can be very stressful. I think the anxieties have been worsened as of late because of the fact that I am so ready to just be married and living with the love of my life. Combined with the fact that my bedroom, my only real alone space, is not as enclosed or quiet as I would like, I find myself being anxious and just wishing to be alone for probably a majority of the time I am at home.
I went on a refreshing after-dinner walk tonight, much needed because I felt so stressed out after cooking dinner for the house. I don't really know why I feel so stressed out after cooking, but even though it is an activity that I enjoy, I seem to allow roommates' reactions and comments about my cooking to stress me out.
Girls can be very judgmental. Maybe part of my anxieties is related to the fact that I feel that I am, or will be, judged.
I have not looked forward to calling friends back, either, and have even avoided it at times. I was reflecting on this while I was walking tonight, and realized that during my walk, about 20 minutes in, was the first time in a while that I looked forward to calling a friend back and catching up. Talking to friends should not be a stressful activity, it should be something that I enjoy.
I think that I have been dealing with my various stresses with food. I've been reading about emotional eating on several blogs lately, and I truly believe that this is an issue for me. Maybe if I actually come out and say it, I will be able to deal with it. I eat to deal with my emotions. There have definitely been several clear instances in which I have binged, in private, and felt completely shameful about it. Combined with my body image issues, I think it is safe to say that I have a legitimate problem.
I am healthy, but a positive body image and a constructive way to deal with emotions and stress is something I really want. I want to desire to be around my roommates and friends and not have anxieties or dread spending time with or talking to them. I want to figure out who I am, what I am passionate about, what God made me to be all about. I think that I am a fabulous person, but I know that I can be so much more and do so much better than I am now.
I need to deal with my eating problems, and I need to deal with my anxiety by doing things I love rather than resorting to easy activities such as eating and facebook.
What do I love?
I love being outdoors. I love to sing. I love serving people.
